Knowing

Do you know why you’re here? Do you know where you meant to go? Do you remember?

If you were to stop and turn around on the journey you’re taking, how much of the path you walk on would you be able to see behind you? Would the past be as shrouded in mist, as unknown and unknowable, as the future?

Do you even remember why you started on this journey? Do you remember the hopes and desires, the needs and wants… the facts and the fantasy? How much have you learnt about yourself so far, about who and what you are or want to be or even could be?

I know you remember that hunger inside you, that undeniably powerful compulsion of the red-eyed beast howling in the dark recesses of your soul. I know you remember that, but did you ever face him? Did you ever slake his thirst and sate his hunger? Has the beast gone quiet? If it has, was the silence paid with feast or famine?

Once upon a time, you denied everything you felt; what you needed, what you shied from, what you wanted to give, what you wanted to have taken. Why doesn’t matter; we both know you did it, don’t we? We both know you turned away from your own reflection for fear of seeing the red in your own eyes and hearing that distant, plaintive and primitive howling.

But are you so sure you didn’t do it again? Are you sure that in overturning one denial you didn’t create another? That in facing the lesser beast of beginning the journey you managed to cage the far, far more powerful beast of measuring your progress.

Are you sure that instead of making progress you didn’t just pull into the first motel you came across and book a room long-term?

Because is the view from your window on the world so very different from the one that set you to seeking answers in the first place? Remember how nothing you had seen or experienced compared to what you ached to feel, even though you didn’t understand what exactly you did want to feel? Do you remember the joy you felt when you got your first glimpse or your first taste or your first touch?

When did you last feel that rapture? How long has it been since what you experienced took your breath away, left you feeling that there was a greater meaning and purpose to your life than you ever dreamed?

It was like nothing else before it, wasn’t it? This was a new world; a new perspective and a new way of life, wasn’t it? Remember?

Frightening, wasn’t it? With realisation comes doubt of the worst kind; self-doubt. You ask if the voracious, primal beast you feel stirring deep inside your mind and body is really you. When it wakes, it stands and when it stands you see the muscles flex and ripple down its flanks, see the cream white of its many, many teeth as that knowing snarl flashes in the dark. It lifts its head and inhales, nostrils flaring at the scent of you and it turns to you and those red eyes settle on you. Then the foot-falls, heavy and full of intent as it comes closer and closer.

Did you face it? Did you stand your ground, run a hand through hair knotted and filthy with the neglect of a lifetime spent being ignored and denied? Did you lean down and breathe this creature in, fill your sense with its scent, all musk and longing and raw, sensual need?

Did you look into its eyes and recognise yourself staring back out?

Did you?

Or did you turn tail and run from the freshly-stirred and still ponderous beast before it came to its senses fully? And did you then convince yourself that merely occupying the same space as this beast was some sort of progress; was evidence of anything more than self-delusion?

Did you run to the motel and check yourself in? Did you push furniture over the door and board the windows, peering out between the cracks to check that beast isn’t out there somewhere, hunting you, tracking you?

And the longer you’re in that place, the less like a fortress and the more like a cell it feels, doesn’t it?

How long did it take you to realise the beast was in there with you all along? How do you sleep at night, listening to that heavy breathing and heavy padding as it paces around in your heart and soul?

You cannot get away from it.
When will you accept that fact?

It is you.
It always was.
It always will be.

You can no more escape it than it can escape you.

Don’t ignore it; listen to it.
Don’t deny it; turn to it.
Don’t fear it; embrace it.

Look in the mirror and see who stares back. Look at yourself and remember the hopes and desires, the needs and wants… the facts and the fantasy.

When did you last ask a question of yourself and feel the heat bloom at the thought of what the answer might be? Do you recall the last time you ventured into an unknown, whether by word or thought or deed? Or faced your reflection and felt the desire burn inside you when you saw the red raw hunger in the eyes staring back at you?

When did you last take a step on this journey you started a lifetime ago?

And why, I wonder, did you stop?